Do You Know What The Cuttlefish Are Doing To Our Soil?

I was sitting back having a cool Coors 16-ouncer, watching a little NOVA on channel 57, and they had an expose--from Pueblo, Colorado--entitled: Do You Know What The Cuttlefish Are Doing To Our Soil? It exposed the anti-Je-heezus conspiracy of these communist cephalopods. Behold the following incontrovertible evidence:

1. Cuttlefish have the largest brain-to-body mass ratio of any invertebrate. Behavioral studies indicate that they are actually smarter than some vertebrates, including birds (like a burrow owl). In controlled studies, cuttlefish learned how to negotiate complex mazes. For instance, in order to escape a room in the maze, the cunning cephalopod had to see what was in the room for the clue to which door would be open. So it can keep several things in mind at once. Get that? Several things in its mind AT THE SAME TIME! This violates every tenet of the Bible and is clearly other-worldly work of the Prince of Darkness!
2. The Australian Giant Cuttlefish should read up on its Leviticus. For surely I say unto thee, they are an abomination. In this species, the larger, heterosexual Christian males--up to 3 feet in size--wrastle it out manly WWE style to compete for the smaller females' tentacles in marriage and egg copulatin'. Smaller, limp-armed sissy males should stand no chance. But hark! The devil comes like a flaming thief in the night! These queermo smaller males become AIDS-infested drag queens, disguising themselves as females by tucking their "webbed arms" up and taking on female coloration. The little fruits then quietly sneak down and engage in out-of-heterosexual-wedlock fornicatin' with the female. They succeed at this far more than the staight men cuttlefish succeed in wrastling for the females holy egg sacs. But fear ye not, for surely they shall be struck down by the Lawerd for this evil!
3. Finally, we come to the Flamboyant Cuttlefish. Need I say more? This tiny little wisp of a girly cephalopod is not just evil for being "flamboyant." It walks! That's right, WALKS! That makes it a creeping thing, and if Je-heezus had wanted cuttlefish to walk he would have listed them as kosher. Whenever it is approached by predators, it goes full Judy Garland and gets all metro-sexual colorful (bright yellows, dark browns, and reflective whites). Nothing will eat it then, because they become convinced its heathen flesh is deadly. And it is...as deadly as the bite of the blue-ringed octopus, and they can kill a man.

So what we have here is an order of creatures that are truly a danger to Gawd-fearing, Je-heezus-loving Americans such as myself. They can figure out puzzles, dress in drag, walk, act all gay, coordinate colors, and are poisonous.

And have you ever looked at the land around any large US city where there's a big underground cuttlefish population? Des Moines, Iowa, for example. Look at the soil around Des Moines. You can't build on it; you can't grow anything in it. The government says it's due to poor farming. But I know what's really going on. It's the cuttlefish. Their in it with the aliens. They're building landing strips for gay Europans! I swear to Gawd!

You know what Stuart, I like you. You're not like the other people, here in the trailer park.