The Onion Weighs In

What we've lost

The Greatest Letter Ever Printed On NFL Team Letterhead
(from the Cleveland Scene)

In November of 1974, a Browns fan and season ticket holder sent a letter to the team regarding his concern over fans throwing paper airplanes and implied the team might be sued.


The Cleveland Browns (specifically, their general counsel) sent back an absolutely epic response.

Buying a Tiger

So you can see it whenever you want:

We're Still National Champions

Your gods demand tears for your epic fail!

Just in case you forgot, the Crimson Tide is still the National Champions.

I Think We All Called This One

We predicted that Tim Tebow's saccharine, garish religiosity would be seen as irksome and puerile by the NFL. And it's already started:

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow's group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response: "Shut the f--k up." Others players in the room then laughed.

Those were, I insist, the appropriate responses. By all means, let Tim murmer to whatever magical being he fancies. But to assume that everyone else in the room wanted to join him--and were sheepishly waiting for a righteous, brave Christian like Tebow to take the spiritual lead in the cosmically significant event of taking a standardized test--is as ostentatious as it is presumptuous and ridiculous.

And, as Christopher Hitchens says, rightly are the simple so called: Tebow scored a below-average 22 on the Wonderlic test. Seriously, that's pathetic. It's a test I could have aced in middle school.

We're back, baby!

Wife will have say in how Saban statue looks

Two Things - Roll Tide

It seems that things are as they should be, we're #1.
And Tennessee is a laughing stock.

Two hilarious pieces of anti-Vol audio:
Crazed Phyllis from Mulga rips into Tennessee and their
booster Roy Adams on Finebaum
and
a Lane Kiffin parody song - "Runaway Lane".

All's right with the world.

3 Years

I like that you can't smile. Bear never smiled either.

It only took 3 years to win the SEC Championship. That is a major accomplishment.

But 3 years to win the National Championship?

Thank you, Coach Saban. We almost forgot what it felt like to be Alabama.

Roll Tide.

Is it right to be, more than anything else, relieved?
It's simply Glorious.

Let's go be champions boys!

The Tears Are So Salty And Sweet

Christian Supplications Quelched By Tactical Indefatigability

After being ahead until the 4th quarter at home, Auburn (the 19-ranked "Christian" university in the country), is vanquished by an NFL-quality, clock-eating, "I-ain't-losing-to these-backward-ass-cow-fuckers" drive by Alabama.



We crushed their hopes; the salty tears taste sweet.

If I had a religion...

That'll do.

“It’s not where you start,” he said “It’s where you end up.”

McElroy settles down
to lead Tide.
Alabama 34 Va. Tech 24

Domination

UNC won the basketball national championship.

Alabama is next, only in football. In 2 years...

It wasn't even close.

Kettle, Line 2. It's A Pot. It Says You're Black.

Plug your irony meter into a surge protector; otherwise this article about loser Kurt Warner will blow the needle off.

"A lot of people believe 13 is an unlucky number," Warner said, "but I've kind of embraced it."

He added: "A lot of negative things come with the No. 13. My life is never dictated by superstitions. My faith is first and foremost. If you believe that God's in control, there is no reason to believe in superstitions."

Credulity, benightedness, and obliviousness all in the same package. How convenient.

They made me their king.

Castrol - Greasemonkeys | Viral | SPIKE.com

Top Ten Super Ads

From a master of comedy

Alabama Fans Are Sexier

You know you want it...

Does wearing the color red give you a sexual edge? Maybe, according to a new study, which found that men find women sexier if they're sporting a crimson hue rather than, say, blue or green.

But then you get this:

However, red won't make you look smarter or more competent

How could this guy possibly look smarter and more competent? According to science, he's sexy bitches!

Of course, wearing orange makes you an asshole.

This Is Alabama Football

After stomping evil Tennessee 29-9, shrugging off an upset prediction like the death of an unknown second cousin of a stepfather, and now with an 8-0 record (5-0 in the SEC), nothing but Bryant-era class:

But all anybody wanted to talk about outside the Alabama locker room on Saturday night was the here and now. Sophomore middle linebacker Rolando McClain huffed when somebody brought up the fact that LSU had lost earlier in the day.

"We don't really care about LSU," McClain said. "We'll get to them whenever we play them. Right now, we'll enjoy this for 24 hours and get ready for next week."

If he sounds like Saban, you're right. This whole team is starting to sound like Saban, which means it's highly unlikely that anybody is going to catch Alabama napping.

Godspeed, and Roll Tide!